In the summer of 2020 I decided to detach myself from a love story I told myself for nearly 7 years. It wasn’t completely far fetched- in fact, it followed the typical star crossed lovers plotline. Two main characters, a mutual interest in each other, ridiculous conflicts that caused the two to never match up. The problem with having a star crossed love story placed right in the center of your life for years when you’re only 21- is that this became my view of love. It was unconditional, it was unbreakable, and it was incredibly lonely. But that is all I knew and if you really know me- you know that I was exhausted by this tiresome plot line- I just simply wasn’t ready to let it go- because there is always a chance…right? This brings us around back to the summer of 2020- when I decided to…let go.
This was much easier said than done. I had silently pushed people away with no explanation, placed walls between myself and people willing to love me. I plopped myself in relationships I knew would never last- because I never thought it wasn’t fair to let people truly fall for me when I had fallen for someone else. It took months of working on myself- another cliche, but I suppose it takes a cliche to break one- and by the spring of 2021- I had finally released this death grip I had on a fantasy and suddenly had room for so much more that I thought I was capable or even deserving of.
I think when people say that the universe doesn’t hand you what you need or want until you’re ready for a reason. I think that while we have full control of every decision in our lives- we aren’t handed our full potential until we are genuinely ready to handle it. In this case- I didn’t stumble into this relationship until I was ready to fully appreciate what I was stumbling into. In fact, I had directly rejected it for about 3 years on Tinder for no other reason than “ I thought the man looked a bit intimidating.” I had always oddly hovered over his profile and always came to the conclusion that he was not for me…until the spring of 2021.
Our entire relationship has taken course in a sort of funny and clumsy sort of way and I wouldn’t have it any other way. We struggled to make plans, at first, that lined up and when we finally did- I got thrown into a full on “family dinner” with all of his friends. He’s told me since that this was sort of his strategy to see if someone could handle the strong energy his friends (all whom I have lovingly come to call my own) give off. It’s a terrible tactic. He threw an anxious weirdo into a swarm of potential social crimes. But…despite perhaps our strange beginnings…it spiraled into one of the most heart warming, surprising years of our lives.
We liked to keep the theme of doing things out of order- so naturally- we got pregnant three months into our relationship, just have recently moved in together, and we are still learning more about each other everyday. I find it hard to be publicly very mushy and open about my relationships- but something in me wanted to share my story in summary here on my blog. Here on Kayteable, I like to encourage growth, no matter how slow or clumsy. I want to share the stories of a real human woman- who has her own struggles and her own hurdles to face.
In the summer of 2020 I had decided to detach myself from a love story I told myself for nearly 7 years. It wasn’t completely far fetched- in fact, it followed the typical star crossed lovers plot line. Two main characters, a mutual interest in each other, ridiculous conflicts that caused the two to never match up. The problem with having a star crossed love story placed right in the center of your life for years when you’re only 21- is that this became my view of love. It was unconditional, it was unbreakable, and it was incredibly lonely-
But in the fall of 2021 I have come to learn that love is unconditional, it is breakable- it requires nurturing and care, and it is anything but lonely. It’s incredible to feel safe within myself and safer in the hug I look forward to when I get home. Love is cravably soft and forgiving- especially when you face something unexpected and incredibly unforgiving. Love is imperfect and comfortably awkward. It’s ridiculous and nerdy.
If you get anything from this blog- is that what you know is not all there is. If you are in a place you don’t like- a time can and will come when you can feel like your home. It will come when you are truly ready to handle it…because home takes work, it takes forgiveness, and lots of love. If you are the human I met in the spring on 2021- thank you for absolutely traumatizing me on our first date- it made me like you a little bit more. 🙂 Love you and thanks for being my new home.
That’s all for today- I wish you all happy reading and I will see you all soon.