It has been quite a while since I posted- and I hate to pull out the ole “being a mom is time-consuming” excuse, but that is just reality. Trying to get a new routine down is pretty hard when the thing or in this case person you are trying to build a routine around is changing every day. That being said, the first blog back, I should probably give you a rough recap of the last four months so you are up to date.
February: Kai was born on February 2nd. A big ol boy weighing in at 10.5 lbs and 20.5 inches long. He was our little NICU baby for 10 days and then he had to spend some time with his grandparents while I dealt with some pretty severe complications. I was hospitalized for eclampsia, passing out due to severely low blood sugars, and severe panic attacks, then I dropped 70 pounds by the end of the week. It doesn’t sound like the worst time, but my life was very much on the line for a few weeks. To top it off- some post-partum gifts were the classic post-partum depression and a severe uptick in my anxiety. Then a special case of PTSD and child regression triggered by the emergency and unplanned c-section and the NICU lifestyle. I had a few weeks of revisiting every childhood trauma, every single regret, and every tense situation I had ever experienced in my life on loop for about two weeks. Eventually, I got stabilized and had Kai home by March 3, thanks to the love and support of my family and especially thanks to my partner, Dylan.
March: We officially had a free-range baby. No more wires or tubes attached to him and we could just enjoy our little boy. I was trying to get something that resembled a routine and Dylan went back to work. We still had a good cry session regularly and I started some good old-fashioned therapy. Our baby was regularly referred to as the baby with a lot of hair or our hulk baby due to his outrageous amount of hair that was growing rapidly since birth and his uncanny amount of strength. He was already steadily holding up his head and trying to sit up when he lay against our legs. Overall, it was a good month…still weird and new…but good.
April: I started getting out of my funk. Life was a little less rinse and repeat. I started taking him out, visiting my friends and family, and overall, things had settled. I was still in therapy and I was still trying to process what February had brought. I had started writing a book about my experience as it was a wild ride and not what was typically part of a motherhood experience. Therapy had brought me the diagnoses I always knew were a part of my life…but had never gotten professional help for. Severe ADHD, Unidentified anxiety disorder, Post-traumatic stress disorder, major depressive disorder. All fun things and while some people think that labels are not helpful and hold you back…for me it helped me know that I didn’t feel like I was drowning for no reason. It is hard to deal with these things when you are on your own, but as a partner and a mother- these things hinder your ability to approach things in a neuro-typical way. So…I started being able to accept that I needed to do things my way that help me and my brain…and therefore, helping my family.
May: We are doing really good. We have somewhat of a routine. I am trying to go easier on myself and not expect perfectionism. Dylan is finally off for the summer and our little boy is growing way too fast. He is trying to grow up overnight it seems. We are working on our mental and physical health, Kai is working growing some teeth and on being a baby…and things are good.
June: Now you are pretty much up to date. Dylan and I have a summer schedule worked out for the most part. Kai is now able to roll over, eat some big kid for (pureed baby food), sit up in his play seat by himself, and he is almost able to hold his own bottle. He finally went swimming for the first time and he absolutely killed it. I think we have a genius on our hands. We still have a lot to figure out and we never will have it all figured out. But we have come a long way from February in the most amazing ways.
That is all I have for today. I hopefully have some more blogs coming up. I have some fun projects and things I want to share here in the near future. But for now, I wish you some happy reading and I will see you soon.