I have recently been noticing a sense of mourning the past. I feel that the world around us tends to bash those who do so. Especially when it comes to motherhood, or when your life has changed for the better- people tend to just hear that you are complaining about or not properly appreciating what you have. I would like to change the script on that a bit- so that way I am the creator that I was and have been looking for.
Being stuck in the past is unhealthy and prevents you from living in the present. However, ACKNOWLEDGING the past and taking a moment or two to mourn what you need to is- in my opinion- healthy and needed to properly appreciate your blessings. If we just shove aside feelings- they are still there, they are simply just lingering in your subconscious.
When we take a moment to acknowledge that we miss how some things were, parts of who we were, and let the old be put to rest- we allow ourselves to move on. Rather than just preaching, I want to share how this has applied to me in my personal life…and maybe it will help you apply it to yourself.
A few years ago- I was adventurous. I was always on the move, I basically lived in coffee shops, talked to strangers, and went and did anything I wanted…whenever I wanted. I took 15 minutes every day to get ready, I stayed up until 2 am with no regrets, and did anything I wanted without any interruptions. I could…if I wanted to- just focus on myself. Of course, it is in my nature to take everyone else into consideration…but I had the time and ability to make myself the center priority.
Now…I wake up on command of a screaming baby, I make sure our house is clean and welcoming for my partner to come home to, for us to live in, and for my son to play in. I sometimes don’t get ready for the day until 3pm and when I do it takes me 5 minutes. I have worn a full face of make up twice in six months, everything I do is constantly interrupted or pushed aside. My car rides are stressful with a constant threat of screams for the backseat from a kiddo who doesn’t appreciate his car seat.
This is a hyper summarized version of myself and doesn’t come close to covering half of it (the good and the bad). But it presents a proper comparison that is easy to understand. If I pretended that I never missed getting in my van and being in a different state by the end of the day, sleeping in, going out with nothing on me but a wallet and a phone…I would one…be lying. But two be denying myself the opportunity to say goodbye to past version of myself.
Taking time to let myself feel and see WHAT I missed- also gives me the opportunity to see what I want in my future. Recently, I noticed I missed afventuring and taking time to take care of myself. So…even if it is slower than it used to be or not exactly how I plan it…I take Kai and myself on healthy little adventures. Or I missed coffee shops…I get Dylan to take the baby a few hours on the weekend so I can have personal mommy time.
Lastly, letting myself see what I miss…let me also see what I didn’t have that I do now. Now…I wake up to a baby boy that I love more than anything in the world, go to sleep next to someone I love dearly and who loves me. I have family dinners and a safe place to exist everyday. I get to heal from my past and am forced to take the little moments to appreciate the silence, appreciate local parks, and appreciate the little human I didn’t have a year ago.
All this blah, blah, blah, to say- mourn the past…so you can truly put it to rest and live in the present and be excited for your future. Recognize that you may have lost time to sleep in…but it’s been replaced by a tiny human babbling about their dreams. You may not get to run away whenever you want…but you have nothing you want to run away from anymore. I miss the old Kayte…but I am learning to love the Kayte that exists so much more.
That is all on my mind today. I hope you all let yourselves have the opportunity to mourn the past so you can enjoy your present. Happy reading- until next time-