kayteable

WE ARE HIRING!

MOTHERHOOD CO.

Job Title: Stay-at-Home Mom

Benefits:

• Daily snuggles
• A ton of love in your heart
• Unlocking your unlimited source of patience.
• Can wear sweats and no bra all day.

Pay: $00.00/hr

Availability: 

• 24hrs/7 days a week/365 days a year
• NO holidays
• NO days off (unless you can find your own temporary replacement)
• NO guaranteed lunch, pee, or water breaks (You may have to sneak them)

Qualifications/Skills Needed:

• Will NOT vomit when encountering vomit, feces, or snot at any moment. Things can get messy around here. 
• You are able to pin down a squirming human long enough to securely attach a diaper to the child. 
• You will not react poorly when you get headbutted in the face because if you cry- they cry. 
• Time Management- (You will be responsible for all transportation, family activities, and other time-sensitive tasks.)
• You have quick problem-solving skills for situations you have never been in before. Like ever. (Ex. Baby has pooped-up the back, down the leg, and is currently crawling away with your sanity.)
• Communications and Translating. Must be able to translate and understand various sounds, groans, and screams in order to take care of clients. They will not be able to verbalize their needs. You just have to know them. 
• Nursing/First Aid. Must be able to use bandaids, peroxide, check head bumps, and give good healing kisses and hugs. Must be able to administer Tylenol for teething and mild fevers and not “overreact” when you feel like you do not know what you are doing. (Because doctors will treat you like you’re stupid if you do not know everything they do…even though they have a medical degree and you clearly don’t.)
• House Keeping (Vacuuming, sweep/mopping, dusting, dishes, laundry, wiping down surfaces and your child every thirty seconds, watering the houseplants, toilets, sinks, bathtubs, and pick up any clutter.)
• Nutritionist/Chef (You will be responsible for any and all meal/snacks your child consumes. Be sure to give a well-balanced diet that is age appropriate. They will physically assault you will any and all food provided and will hurt your feelings when they don’t eat your heart-shaped pancakes. 

• Must be able to provide childcare. This includes feeding, bathing, transporting, and entertaining children of the home as needed. 
• Must be able to self-regulate your own “big emotions” despite/regardless of your history. 
• Must be able to withstand sleep deprivation and mild starvation (eating can become a hassle) and continue to maintain a work ethic and a good attitude. 
• You must be able to handle a lot of unasked-for advice and criticisms. Because strangers know what is better for your child and know everything about anything. 
• Must handle family finances, grocery shopping, and keep stock of family resources. 
• You also have to take care of yourself. Bathing, eating, hobbies, hydrating, etc. 

If you want to apply for the hardest and most rewarding job you will ever have- then motherhood is for you. There are a lot of amazing things to be gained from being a parent. A lot of life lessons, and a lot of growth. The above qualifications are just the basics. If your child has special needs, allergies, or medical complications- those qualifications are just the tip of the iceberg. If your child is a human- they will have their own set of needs, requirements, a form of love, etc. Women and men with typical careers should be praised and supported. However, so do your homemakers. So this is just a reminder that there are people creating and forming the future humans of the world. You could argue it’s the most important career on earth. So appreciate your “house-wives” they may not bring in the dough but they make all the bread. ❤

Thanks for reading- while I was tackling my son (putting on his diaper) I had the funny thought of a Stay-At-Home-Mom job ad. It is ridiculous and no one would sign up just based on the requirements. But knowing my son- I would sign up over and over for him. I hope you all have a wonderful day- see you soon!

-Kayte